In a shocking move, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has announced a massive purge of government employees across all agencies, citing excessive time spent dragging the mouse cursor to input boxes instead of using the tab key on their keyboard. According to sources, this egregious waste of time has cost the government an estimated 4.2 billion hours since the mid-1990s, resulting in a staggering loss of productivity valued at over $1.3 trillion.
DOGE claims that this drastic measure is necessary to streamline government operations and eliminate inefficiencies. “We can’t have our employees wasting precious time and resources on such mundane tasks,” said a DOGE spokesperson. “It’s time for them to learn to use the tab key like everyone else.”
The firings have sent shock-waves throughout the government, with many employees expressing outrage and frustration. “This is indiscriminate madness,” said one former employee, who wished to remain anonymous. “I was a top performer in my department, and I was let go because I didn’t use the tab key enough.”
To track the amount of time wasted due to mouse usage, DOGE is working on a website called MousePoison.com, which will monitor every mouse move made by government employees moving forward. The website will also provide a running tally of the total time wasted since the mid-1990s as well as a leader-board ranking employees by their mouse usage efficiency.
According to DOGE the average government employee spends around 2.5 hours per day dragging the mouse cursor to input boxes, resulting in a total of 625 hours per year. With over 2 million government employees, this translates to a staggering 1.25 billion hours wasted per year, or approximately $37.5 billion in lost productivity.
The firings have been met with criticism from experts, who argue that DOGE’s approach is misguided and counterproductive. “If they want a more efficient government, they just fired some of the people most skilled to get them there,” said Jennifer Pahlka, a civic tech expert.
As the government continues to grapple with the fallout from the firings, one thing is clear: the era of mouse-based inefficiency is coming to an end. Whether or not DOGE’s approach will ultimately lead to a more efficient government remains to be seen, but one thing is certain – government employees will be using the tab key a lot more from now on. The next move for DOGE is to go after Macro$oft for their failures to keep tab sequences orderly.
